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Urgent - break up after 2 years

NoraMagali(14.1.2020, 12:58)

Hello dr. Oren

I'm in need of urgent guidance.

We are in long distance relationship for more than 2 years. We visit each other about 4 times a year, we have daily phone calls and video calls. We love each other, and don't want break up, but situation is complex. We spent time together, and it was not just vacation time, it was also everyday life, with work and kids.

I'll try to be short. Situation is as follows: Both had previous marriages and bad experiences, both have children from previous marriage. Since beginning, it was alway (my) thought that I'll move to him (to Israel) and always knew it would be difficult for me because I will either have to leave my child with his father or move my child from his environment.

We never fully agreed upon on the way of my relocating. My need in relationship is that partner sees me as person he wants to spend life with, beyond any doubt, someone that gets excited and happy just thinking of life together, sees me and feels me as his spouse, wants to me marry me. Also there are practical things in order to legally relocate we should be married, and then my child can come with me, and I can have a job and work. He wants me to come as tourist, to live together, to go to counseling, and he thinks that then he will develop (or get back) those feelings, passion. He did have them in beginning, and occassionally in moments that never lasted – hurt me many times by proposing and taking it back hours or days after, by his words because of trust issues, bad experiences, fears, but doesn't feel fully like that for some time. He loves me, that part is true.

He is insisting on me coming as tourist and then he thinks everything will be ok and he will. I feel like he doesn't care how hard is it for me and risks and consenquences. To leave the job, only source of income, to not be able to visit my kid without risk (and it is real risk of being denied to come back to Israel ever), to not be able to work and contribute, to organize legally everything about the child (I don't want to fully lose custody even if I'm to relocate without him). While at the same time, nothing changes for him, just adds – I'm there, his kids could be more with him/us. He knows I love him more than words can describe, that I'm willing to move, at the sam time by his confession, he loves me but admitted that he activelly repressed that love, and that now (and has been for some time) more than friendship, but not really what it should or could be. He wants me there, he wants to spend time with me, he says that he could live comfortable life with me, and he is treating me good, more than good. In many ways, he is everything that I never dreamed of to find in someone, really everything, and accept him fully. But, it came to that that he said he will give me as much time as I need to think about it, if I'm willing to do it as he wants/needs, and if I can't he doesn't want to continue. And I don't want break up, but thinking of relocating this way, based on him thinking that he (maybe) can restore those feelings, and maybe one day he will see me as his wife.. makes me stressed and not really want to do it under those circumstances. From my point of view, before such big life change, those feeling should already be there. I'm frustrated by his lack of understanding of my point of view, of him not willing to give me safety, emotionally or otherwise, of him not having feeling of wanting to protect me, and not thinking what he can give to me, (like I do) but thinking just what he wants/need.

We are both frustrated and affected with fact that we are not living together. If we were in same country or city, we both are sure that we would already have life together.

I'm stuck, stressed and desperate. I don't know how to proceed, how to think of this, what to do. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to end up hurting, living my life along someone who is just comfortable with me, while I love him fully and with more passion that in the beginning. I just don't feel he loves me the same way any more. He did before.