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Concerns about asymmetry

ד"ר אורן חסון(15.1.2020, 1:07)

Dear Nora,

I am a bit concerned whenever I see clear asymmetry that is mixed with signs of instability. If you move to Israel, you’re obviously going to pay a sever costs, and so is your son, being away from you or from his dad. And you risk being independent. Arriving as a tourist, and as a non-jew, may entail the risk of breaking emigration laws, and as you say, of being deported from Israel, maybe for good, or maybe even worse – I am not sure exactly how that works, but it is a major risk.

As you say, you would be completely dependent on him here, either on his money and hosting or on the money you already have with no income. I don’t know what are risks for the future, say, if you return back to your home country after a year or two. Will your job be secure?

The risk is much higher, given that you are not jewish, because of the way people think and feel, independent of him or you being religious or secular. If he decides that he does not want to continue his relationships with you, he may still be OK with that socially, even you pay a major cost and be miserable, much more than he would if you were a returning Israeli that goes through the same process. And that is simply because many, if not most people, do not approve mixed marriage (or couples). Socially, he’ll have a great excuse to be harsh or inconsiderate, and using excuses of different mentality and habits.

And then you say that he is not sure about his feelings. This means that the risk you’re taking is even greater, and also – that he will always be able to tell you – “But you knew that in advance, don’t blame me, or try to make me feel guilty. You knew it was a risk.” Guilt is an important bonding emotion, that can bridge upon bad periods and couple may have.

All that is coming with you feeling that “I'm frustrated by his lack of understanding of my point of view, of him not willing to give me safety, emotionally or otherwise, of him not having feeling of wanting to protect me, and not thinking what he can give to me, (like I do) but thinking just what he wants/need” – which only makes me more concerned of issues of the asymmetry. Not only in risk, but in having excuses to cause damage, and getting away with it emotionally and socially with no, or very little guilt. Guilt and concern and care are always important, and more so when there is such an asymmetry.

I understand your feelings for him, and he probably is a wonderful unique man. It can indeed be very hard to give up love without fighting for it. The fact that he is a wonderful man, however, does not mean that he must be a wonderful mate. He needs to want you enough to overcome difficulties. He needs to be compassionate and a caring and empathetic person not to lead you to a risky path, just as an excuse, to you, that he did everything he could. Does he really believe in you?.

You must be sure he is a kind of person who can be kind and generous and patient, when it tough for him. Most of all, he needs to be emotionally stable. Or that you do not lose too much and have enough to hang on, if this would not work (or not leave too late, based on an insecure hope, if you arrive on his terms). And yes, that you won’t be a prisoner in the borders of Israel, simply because you will not be able to return.

ד"ר אורן חסון
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